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.. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" Gal 3:20
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On account of being late, missing or otherwise impaired.

Just having a rant.

So Help Me.
Feb. 20th, 2006 @ 10:47 pm snapshot
What you can do
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I just want to flow over the sides of myself and spill it all. It doesn't seem enough to repeat it in my head. To pray aloud soothes the ache. The reality is still there with morning and I lack the self- control to contain my thoughts. Where is the space I can truly let go? Its not here.
Too much is happening. Things are spinning and yet I don't feel out of control.

Stasi Eldredge writes it thus:

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I've ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failng at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time....

... We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought - that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain - uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.

Aware of our deep failings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. the message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church is - try harder. "
~ from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

As much as that quote captures where I am often at, I hate writing it here. There are people out there who I don't want to see it. Some of you will judge aspects of my character by the admittance here through another's words, of my own desires and failings. The men among you will dismiss it as dramatic, emotional crap. It is. But that is how the women among you are made. Never hold it against a woman that she is not a more like a man, for it is what sets us apart that you love about us.
The women among you may see this two ways. Some, maybe those who don't know me well or now, will prehaps relate. Prehaps you completely agree, prehaps you will track down a copy of this amazing book. Whether you know and love God or you don't, this book will leave a mark on your soul for the better.
Those women however who know me, well they may respond with feelings of empathy and understanding. Or they may respond withe a shake of their head and one of those little noises that goes "pffftt. Not again. Will she ever just get over it/herself/this?"

I pray so. I put my hope in it.

I know the rock on which I stand is solid ground.

The decision to post this may not be wise. I am feeling assured and reckless. I read today that it is impossible to feel both anxiousness and relaxation simultaneously. I disagree. I am taking a risk, and I may have made a mistake, but I really don't see how I could make things any worse. I will wake up tomorrow and feel differently and this will just be a homage to this moment in time. And I will sigh that I let my feelings get the better of me again and go on with my day. For now I will eat yet another dried apple and tell myself its almost better than the real thing.

Goodnight dear ones.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 @ 04:25 pm Worn Out
What you can do
help
I'm getting just a little bit tired of my boss.

Yep. Just a little. You can handle someone being the type of person you'd hate to be. You can handle someone's mood swings. You can handle someone blaming you for things that weren't your fault, even things that were their fault. You can handle someone doing subtle, ridiculous things to "punish" you by making your day just a little harder, in return for being so flat out that you've missed something.



I must say though...
I find it hard to handle not being listened to. I find it hard to handle having to justify decisions I have the right to make as part of my job. I find it hard to handle being second-guessed about insignificant decisions while important safety and regulative decisions seem to be ignored. I find it particularly hard to handle being told to take stress management in-service training when the only person causing me stress at work is the one that is telling me I need training.

I love the centre. I love the kids. I love the staff.

But today I found it hard.

Now thats a very tame rant. Either I'm getting better at controlling my anger, or I'm just a ticking time bomb...
Jan. 27th, 2006 @ 05:03 pm What am i thinking?
What you can do
help
I feel...: pensivepensive
I finally got around to asking my Homeopath what i can do about my memory.

Ok once you've stopped laughing, I'm serious. I have a real problem with my memory. I can be on the phone and someone can be telling me something, and when I hang up the phone I forget it entirely and walk away. Now That last statement is a little misleading, because I don't actually forget it entirely. I subscribe to the Information Processing theory of Cognition and Memory. Cue lecture.


Acutally skip the lecture. And I'm not going to admit that i can only remember 1/2 the theory. Basically Information Processing Theory says if you don't use it you lose it.

The thing is I loose a lot.

Ever walked into a room and forgotten what you are there for?

Ever put something down and forgotten where you put it?

Ever thought of something to tell someone and when you see them you can't remember? Even if its only seconds after you had the thought?

Ever had some one tell you something and as soon as they walk away you can't remember what they said?

You with me so far? Good, ok we're normal. Now picture this. You are in a work environment. You pick up an object to take to a work mate, thinking to get something from them at the same time to save yourself the trip. As you are walking towards another room, you remember you have to tell your workmate something. You reach the room, the thought fresh in your mind. As you step into the room you stop. You have forgotten what you came in for. You were going to do something weren't you? Then you see your workmate. You think you might have had something to tell them. You start the sentence "Oh yes I was going to say something to you..." but you go blank. They prompt you, but you can't remember, and now you are really trying hard (cue lecture on Fuzzy Trace Theory). You try thinking back over your thought process of the last minute or so (cue lecture Metacognition). They give up waiting for your response, its painful watching you twist your face like that... They ask you for something important, something you really should go and get right now. You agree. You know exactly where that is. You walk back into the first room. But you suddenly you can't remember where you put the item. Maybe thats what you went in to tell them in the first place....


You look down, and in your hand is the object you wanted to give your workmate. You sigh.


Welcome to my world.

Its not all the time. But it is a daily occurance. Maybe it is normal. But its definately starting to impact my work. I'm making mistakes, because I'm not telling my team or my boss important details. So many conversations during my day start with someone saying this that or the other and me replying "Oh yes I knew that... I um... forgot." I came within inches of my first warning at work this week. And I'm a hard worker. Can you fire someone for being forgetful?

My homeopath is ordering some "special stuff" in the mean time I'm on some health food store version of a memory booster. Its been three days. I do feel a little more pepped than normal, but that could be from any one of the number of herbal remedies I'm taking.

We'll see if things get better.

Meanwhile, do you remember what you're doing here?
Nov. 16th, 2005 @ 06:42 pm Shattered
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I feel...: soresore
I am so completely exhausted its not funny.

Stop laughing.
Nov. 8th, 2005 @ 10:05 am Even the best laid plans...
What you can do
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I feel...: amusedamused
One word that some people have used to describe me in the past is 'organised'. Thats usually until they get to know me. I suppose elements of the term organisation could be applied to me. I certainly like to plan, I like to have control, I like to understand whats going on around me. How is it then that I managed to create such mass confusion and hijinks on the weekend?

It all started with a seemingly innocent email to a small group of friends I know would have been interested in a bit of a weekend camping getaway. The plan was to tent camp at the Royal National Park's Bonnie Vale Campsite. The event was a mini-birthday celebration and an excuse for a getaway.

The way the day rolled out however... well...

I finished work in the morning and came home to the hedge to find that rather_hazy was out. I rang her and she assured me she'd be home within 20mins so we could go and get food for the weekend. She suggested I check what ezz was up to. So I rang Ezz and arranged to meet her at her house before heading to coles to buy food. When rather_hazy got home we worked out we'd need to take seperate cars and I would go to my folks house first to get the bbq and chairs etc. Then I would collect Ezz and we would meet rather_hazy at Coles.

So I went to my folks, and my little bro helped me to get all the bits and pieces I needed. Then I went to ezz's place. As we walked to the car, ezz mentioned that she had some cash inside and would prefer to use cash rather than use her credit card. "No worries," I said, "i have heaps of cash in my wallet."
We reached coles and I realised that I had left both my wallet and my phone at the hedge. So I borrowed ezz's phone to call rather_hazy and ask her to bring my phone and wallet with her. Alas, she was already at her folks place and about to leave to come and meet us at Coles. "I'll be there in 10mins" she said. So we went in and began to collect food, planning to use rather_hazy's money so as to avoid using ezz's credit card. Somewhere in our travels around the wonderful establishment known as Coles we forgot that we were meeting rather_hazy, and had our groceries processed and paid for on ezz's credit card. We exited Coles and ezz decided to ring rather_hazy to tell her not to bother coming to buy things as we had already finished. Rather_hazy however, was already in Coles, so we walked back in to find her.

She had other things to buy so we said we would meet her outside in liquorland. After alchomaholic purchases were made (again on the credit card), we split up. Ezz went with rather_hazy to ezz's place to finish the cake, while I went home to the hedge to get my clothes out of the dryer. It occurred to me on the way home that I might not have enough fuel to make it all the way to the petrol station. Sure enough my car stopped 6 houses down from the hedge. I walked home and called rache (out of a fear of mortal embarrassment at the thought of calling soph and ezz who have both bailed me out of similar situations more than once). She said she'd come and rescue me in a little while. So I began packing, and rang my friend Kathryn to see if she was still going to meet us for dinner. Whilst talking to Kathryn on the phone, I made a surprising discovery. I found the keycard and flybuys cards that have been missing for four weeks - in the dryer. Needless to say, Kathryn found that pretty amusing.

The next phonecall I had was rather_hazy and ezz saying they were ready to go. I had to swallow my pride and admit I was stuck until further notice. They decided in their graciousness to come and resuce me since they were closer than rache anyway. So rather_hazy arrived to help me carry everything down the street to the car while ezz went and got a gerry can of fuel.

Petrol problems fixed, we headed off to the Natio. At the top gate however, our paitence was tested yet again. The Bonnie Vale site was full. Due to my lack of booking a campsite, we were now to put it politely, screwed.

I had no credit on my phone and rather_hazy was using what little battery power she had left to communicate our latest hiccup with the nothern contingent, who were travelling down to join us. So I contacted rache on ezz's phone to ask her to ring bulli campsite (did you know that you can't call 12456 anymore? it tells you to call 124yes - which you do and then recieve a message saying you are not authorised to make calls to that number), further south and see if they had space. She rang back to say that Bulli was full and Corrimal, the next one south, had space. By then we decided it was all to difficult and the northern contingent already had come far enough south, so we decided to give up and head back to the Hedge. We pitched our tents in the backyard, and went to put up the bbq, only to discover that my bro hadn't given me the legs to keep said bbq off the floor. Luckily we were close enough now that he was only too happy to drop round and bring the legs.

In the end, we actually had a pretty great night. It was definately the most memorable party I've ever had.

I'm kind of liking this no planning thing....
Oct. 24th, 2005 @ 03:14 pm In the town where I live
What you can do
help
I feel...: thoughtfulthoughtful
Suprisingly I have at least 2 serious bids for the Pinny. The auction closes in a few days, I'll let you know how it goes.

Today I want to talk a little about the suburb in which I live. I grew up here, just around the corner from where I'm living now. But a 15 year stint in the Shire has interrupted my observations of this beautiful almost leafy suburb.

In the day, this was a place where kids walked to school. We live down the road from a school now and our driveway is used daily as a parking bay for 4WD-Mums for the drop-off and pick up. But there are many more interesting things happening in our suburb, particularly on the 'main drag', which happens to be the street on which we live.

Why does the man next door daily spend 1/2 an hour walking up his driveway with his faithful dog standing beside him, then stand for two hours watching traffic, only to turn around and shuffle back inside at some obviously predetermined time? The dog knows exactly when its time to go. Why doesn't the man say hello when I greet him as I walk past? And why doesn't he do it on Saturdays?

Who is the mysterious man with the white glove? Why does he stand at random places in the middle of the road, holding what looks like a thermometer? And why did I see him walking along the road to Bankstown carrying shopping bags the other day?

Why is the lady in the photo shop so rude? Surely she can't be getting that much business here that she can afford to disrespect customers? Maybe she just doesn't like me.

Who was the lady with the baby crying outside the real estate agent the other day? And why did the real estate ladies want to drive her somewhere, worried that they didn't have a car seat for the baby?

Why do the chicken burgers at the Flame Coal Chicken taste so good? And why do they only take a few minutes to cook?

Why are there 4 pharmacies in the shopping centre? With less than 80 shops all up, how can there really be a need for 4 pharmacies (I'm aware of the suburbs high proportion of older people)?

Why is the Woolworths the most sucky one on the planet? It has germs.

Why is there a Vodaphone store here? With the previously mentioned ageing population, I can hardly see the sense in suppling them with up-to-date mobile technology.

Why do the guys at Kings TV sit on the side walk each day having beers and smoking, and why does the owner wear a plastic crown? (Actually I know this one, in a strange turn of coincidence, my father supplied it to him in return for free TV repair service - yes its that kind of town.) One other question though, why does the TV shop have a whiteboard outside with a trivia question written on it each day? And why never any answers? Are there prizes?

So, where do you live?
Oct. 20th, 2005 @ 12:18 am Thats all folks!
What you can do
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The Pinny is on ebay!

Check it out at http://cgi.ebay.com.au/1990-NISSAN-PINTARA-TI-SEDAN_W0QQitemZ4583416594QQcategoryZ102304QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Bid for it! No one else has...

I feel a bit guilty. Maybe I should list it on www.swapace.com.au

Hmmm...

Dad wrote the add. Its not very good and has lots of spelling mistakes. The entire thing being capitals is not a mistake. My dad only writes in capitals. He doesn't actually recognise the lower case letters.

Meanwhile I am now driving a 1993 Holden Commodore (VR? possibly VL? Can't remember) Its white, thats important. Its V6. Also important. And it does 0 to 2000 revs in less than a second. That is by far the most important thing about it.
Oct. 10th, 2005 @ 08:01 pm Sigh
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You may or may not already know. But the unthinkable, yet somehow ineveitable has happened.


The Pinny has died.

It is the end of an age.

I purchased the 1989 Nissan Pintara in May 2001. It rattled unbelieveably. The steering wheel actually shook when the car idled. It soon earned the nickname "The Cessna". But thanks to the mechanical ingenuity of my talented father, it soom became a well functioning and smooth running vehicle. The Pinny has been through more in 4 and a half years than I care to remember.

- The period of time where the speedo would suddenly drop out and you'd have no idea how fast (or far) you where going to days on end, onl to suddenly come back to life everytime my dad got in the car, leading him to believe I was going nuts for months.
- Hundreds (?) of trips to Wollongong and back in the uni days, when I used to sleep in the back seat of the car in between lectures and waiting to drive Ezz and Fuller (and any other random Shiries we'd find wandering about campus looking for a lift) home.
- The boot that at one stage had enough stuff in it that I could live out of the car for a week (including a toothbrush, pjs and sleeping gear)
- Break-ins in Bankstown, Canberra and Mudgee, with stuff stolen in differing amounts.
- Car accidents. Only a few and none very serious. But it did leave me with a new bonnet.
- Window races by Fuller and Caleb that left the front passenger window broken

And the countless times we piled way too much stuff into it.


So I'm back to the Trading Post.
Oct. 10th, 2005 @ 09:10 am Done!!
What you can do
help
I feel...: accomplishedaccomplished
I hear...: blues in the night -oceans eleven soundtrack
I am so over getting up this early... I just want daylight savings to start. My life would be perfect if dayllight savings was happening. This morning, already I've:

-edited a video for youth group
-have laminated so many little bits of paper I think my head is going to explode from fumes. What is laminating sheets made out of anyway?
-put washing on and hung it out
-washed up last nights dishes
-typed up a Kind y project for work

And its only 9am.

I need my life back.
BRING ON THE DST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oct. 10th, 2005 @ 08:41 am Germs germs germs
What you can do
help
I feel...: dirtydirty
I just found a bandaid on my foot that has been there at least 6 days. Its black and I don't remember putting it on. This is the first time I've noticed it.

I feel a bit gross now.